Catch Up

10 Oct

Here are some of the things I seen since my last post. more of the same. boring/,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Birdy wet bird.

Birdy wet bird.

Unbird

Unbird

Some sort of sodding bird

Some sort of sodding bird

Fungus. I. Win.

Fungus. I. Win.

Dirty sexy beetle porn.

Dirty sexy beetle porn.

Bridddr.

Bridddr.

Birrrrrrrrd

Blashford Lakes

10 Aug

Yesterday. Blashford Lakes. Me. Sexy.

Buzzard oiling the wheels of commerce with its lust fuelled advertising

Buzzard oiling the wheels of commerce with its lust fuelled advertising

Blue tit bringing everything around to himself

Blue tit bringing everything around to himself

The smuggest stock dove I have ever encountered

The smuggest stock dove I have ever encountered

Robin in autumn smudge plummage

Robin in autumn smudge plummage

Kestrel milking the air butter

Kestrel milking the air butter

Greenfinch tailor weaving tiny trousers for a ghost

Greenfinch tailor weaving tiny trousers for a ghost

Coal tit; does not burn as well as its name suggest

Coal tit; does not burn as well as its name suggests

Mediterranean Gull

19 Jul

I’ve just been to Prinsted and seen a mediterranean gull. Not well, mind. But I did. So there. I could tell it was mediterranean because there was a German gull nearby bailing it out.

One and a bit mediterranean gulls

One and a bit mediterranean gulls

Buzzard. Its burps smelt of badger.

Buzzard. Its burps smelt of badger.

This puts me on a total of 166 bird species seen in Britain to date. Which is a world record. Because I am the best at seening birds. Because it is a great hobby.

Radipole Lake

16 Jul

On Sunday 12th I went to Radipole Lake in Weymouth to seen some birds. I was hoping to seen a mediterranean gull because I have not seen a mediterranean gull before Sunday 12th. I also did not on Sunday 12th. Or since Sunday 12th. This is a dreadful way to try and fill the time between birth and death. Sweet death. Wonderful welcoming death. It was a great day.

Marsh harrier and swift unaware of each other probably or having a fight maybe. I don't know. I never claimed to be your god, you just made me one.

Marsh harrier and swift unaware of each other probably or having a fight maybe. I don’t know. I never claimed to be your god, you just made me one.

Marsh harrier. Again. Might be a different one. Might not.

Marsh harrier. Again. Might be a different one. Might not.

Fucking grebe.

F***ing grebe.

Woodpigeon.

Woodpigeon.

My best guess is reed warbler. Could just as easily be any other brown bird. Let's pretend it is a horsefinch just for some excitement. Ooh look at this horse finch. No. Didn't work. Still bored.

My best guess is reed warbler. Could just as easily be any other brown bird. Let’s pretend it is a horsefinch just for some excitement. Ooh look at this horse finch. No. Didn’t work. Still bored.

Another bloody fuzzy swallow. This hobby sucks.

Another bloody fuzzy swallow. This hobby sucks.

Puffins

28 Jun

So last Thursday (25th June – FACT) I went to Haverfordwest and then on Friday I went to Skomer Island and then on Saturday I went to Stackpole and then on today I went to Newport Wetlands and then home again and between leaving my house and going back to my house I seen 61 different species of birds and that may not sound like a lot to some birdseeners but you have to remember I am better than you so shut up.

Here are some of the species I seen. Mostly on Skomer to be honest:

Two black-backed gulls fighting over the carcass of a manx shearwater as a piece of performance art about the place of Greece in Europe

Two black-backed gulls fighting over the carcass of a manx shearwater as a piece of performance art about the place of Greece in Europe

Swallow nest above toilet because swallows are filthy

Swallow nest above toilet because swallows are filthy

Stonechat chatting up stones as usual

Stonechat chatting up stones as usual

Some brown thing

Some brown thing

Sea monster bird

Sea monster bird

Red bird

Red bird

Razorbill and guillemot being similar enough to not really need different names

Razorbill and guillemot being similar enough to not really need different names

Razorbill

Razorbill

Puffins

Puffins

Puffin

Puffin

Puffin a la hole

Puffin a la hole

Puffin

Puffin

Puffin

Puffin

Puffins

Puffins

Puffin

Puffin

Puffin

Puffin

Pied wagtail sans pie as usual

Pied wagtail sans pie as usual

Manx shearwaters

Manx shearwaters

Manx shearwaters

Manx shearwaters

Manx shearwaters

Manx shearwaters

Guillemot

Guillemot

Gannet

Gannet

Fake bird

Fake bird

Broken bird

Broken bird

Will do

Will do

Where's puffin?

Where’s puffin?

Giblet Envy

25 Jun

Here are some things I have seen which are birds in the last week I seen them.

Mostly near Pagham Harbour and Warblington. No links today. Search for them yourselves. You are not worth my effort.

And I heard a cuckoo near Pagham Harbour. But I couldn’t photo the noise. You filth horse.

Various out of focus birds.

Various out of focus birds.

Satan's very own zebra robin.

Satan’s very own zebra robin.

Ninjavocet?

Ninjavocet?

Jesus Christ! What the fudge is that?

Jesus Christ! What the fudge is that?

Is this the hudsonian whimbrel I've been hearing about? No; it's just a curlew.

Is this the hudsonian whimbrel I’ve been hearing about? No; it’s just a curlew.

What is this? I don't even care anymore.

What is this? I don’t even care anymore.

Goldfinch about to ram raid a Spar and nick all the fags and sell them down the pub. £1 a packet. To feed it's skag habit. I'm not judging or anything. But, goldfinch is an anagram of golf dinch. So we shouldn't be so surprised.

Goldfinch about to ram raid a Spar and nick all the fags and sell them down the pub. £1 a packet. To feed it’s skag habit. I’m not judging or anything. But, goldfinch is an anagram of golf dinch. So we shouldn’t be so surprised.

Nearly in focus blackbird.

Nearly in focus blackbird.

Groin Cheese

9 Jun

So Farlington Marshes.

This crow was all muddy because he was having a spa day. He'd been down Spar and bought some marzipan and the other crows all thought he was a ponce so they pushed him in the mud.

This crow was all muddy because he was having a spa day. He’d been down Spar and bought some marzipan and the other crows all thought he was a ponce for buying poncey marzipan so they pushed him in the mud.

Lapwing. So called because his wingspan is exactly the same length as a lap of Silverstone.

Lapwing. So called because his wingspan is exactly the same length as a lap of Silverstone.

Kestrel? Yestrel.

Kestrel? Yestrel.

Whitethroat here.

Whitethroat here.

Whitethroat there.

Whitethroat there.

Mute swan flying away from all the lady swans trying to snog him. Hence the expression "kissed as a mute". Or something.

Mute swan flying away from all the lady swans trying to snog him. Hence the expression “kissed as a mute”. Or something.

Curlew Sandpiper

31 May

So yesterday I gone up Titchfield Haven and seen some birds but better than that there was this bloke with a wooden leg who I think was a pirate or something and all the woodpeckers were pecking at his leg and it kept getting shorter and he could only walk in circles and then he fell over and the pirate police caught him and he said “Well I’ll be stumped.” or something. I had a jacket potato with beans for lunch there.

Curlew Sandpiper

Curlew Sandpiper

Common Tern

Common Tern

Black-Headed Gull Chicks

Black-Headed Gull Chicks

Avocet

Avocet

Sedge Warbler

Sedge Warbler

Hitler's Gusset Butterfly

Hitler’s Gusset Butterfly

Stuff

20 Apr

Here are some stuff I seen since I last posted. Not saying when. Not saying where. I give and I give and I give and you people show no gratitude.

Black-tailed godwit Flying high "No barred tail for me" I hear you sigh.

Black-tailed godwit
Flying high
“No barred tail for me”
I hear you sigh.

Woodpigeon. Good pigeon. No evil in him. He's good At the end And at the begin ing.

Woodpigeon.
Good pigeon.
No evil in him.
He’s good
At the end
And at the begin
ing.

The turnstone turns a stone or two Unlike his friend the curlew Who only knows how to do A curling when he is at loo.

The turnstone turns a stone or two
Unlike his friend the curlew
Who only knows how to do
A curling when he is at loo.

The duck is here With all four legs. We love to see Its warm brown eggs.

The duck is here
With all four legs.
We love to see
Its warm brown eggs.

SHRIKE.

SHRIKE.

Peacock butterfly. On the floor. Why don't you just Eff off once more. No offence.

Peacock butterfly.
On the floor.
Why don’t you just
Eff off once more.
No offence.

Long-tailed tit, You're tail is long But only compared to your body-length, so don't get cocky.

Long-tailed tit,
You’re tail is long
But only compared to your body-length, so don’t get cocky.

Bird Photography – Tips From A Master

8 Mar

Yesterday I went to Blashford Lakes and seen some birds so I could write you this guide to doing bird photos as good as me. You are welcome.

Bird Photography

Tips From A Master

By baldmonkey

Rule of Thirds
Even the most amateurist photographers know the rule of thirds. Put simply, you only ever need to get about a third of your subject in frame.

One third of a pochard

One third of a pochard

Lines
When composing your shot consider the use of the lines in view. Try to use them to draw the eye naturally towards the subject of the photo. If this is not possible at the time, remember you can always use photo software to subtly enhance the picture later. See how the first chaffinch is dull and the second vibrant.

Chaffinch without lines

Chaffinch without lines

Chaffinch with best lines

Chaffinch with brilliant lines

Path of Motion
In action photos it is important to consider the subject’s path of motion. You want to aim to have the bird as near the edge as possible, so that people don’t have to wait long when they are imagining the bird going away.

Blue tit flighting.

Blue tit flighting.

Focus
Like all glamour photography, bird photos are better in soft focus. Edges are like paper-cuts to the retina.

Ouchy focus. :(

Ouchy focus.😦

Perfect and erotic focus.

Perfect and erotic focus.😀

Background
There is nothing more boring than just all trees and that in the background of a wildlife photo. If that is all you captured you can always make the background more exciting in Photoshop or Pixlr.

What a boring photograph.

What a boring photograph.

This is much better.

This is much better.

Light
You don’t want too much glare off of the birds’ sweaty feathers so try to shoot in as low light as possible. Light is the natural enemy of the photographer.

Nuthatch. Levelly lighted.

Nuthatch. Levelly lighted.

Camera Settings
The many settings on your high-class camera may seem confusing. But they can be easily conquered if you know what they are for.
ISO – ISO stands for I. S. O. and is best used as an afterthought. Perhaps during a dinner party.
Exposure – Exposure is good because if you get lots of it you can be famous. Set it high.
Aperture – I don’t know. Is it like an overture or something. Probably not important.
Auto – This is the mode you should set your camera to. At all times. Always.