Bird Cameraing – A Proper Code Of Practice

21 May

I was reading the recent “Bird photography – a new code of practice” from off of that birdguides.com and I seen it didn’t quite make itself clear so I done a tidy up for them. No need to thank me. Nice one.

 

 Baldmonkeyseenabird

Bird Cameraing

A Proper Code Of Practice

Here is some introduction text:

Some people seen birds. Some people didn’t seen birds. Some people that didn’t seen bird seen pictures of bird done on cameras. Some people seen the birds and then done a picture of the birds with a camera. All birds are the same. All pictures of birds are the same. Here is code of practice at making pictures of birds with a camera or whatever.

 Here are the code:

•             A well-used mantra but one that is paramount is that “a picture is worth a thousand birds”.

•             Birds should not be harassed by continual pushing and flushing. Apart from anything else a picture of a bird in a toilet is well mank.

NO

•             The use of playback vocalisations of that bit when Christian Bale went mental at a stage hand on the set of Terminator should be employed sparingly. Sure, birds, like all mammals, love to hear Hollywood types making fools of themselves, but sometimes they laugh so hard they fall out of their nests and do a dying. Which makes for a cool photo, actually. So, yeah, do do that then.

•             Photographing breeding species listed under Schedule 1 of the Wildlife and Countryside Act requires a sexy hat. It is an offence to recklessly disturb a Schedule 1 species when that species is nest-building, at, near or in a nest containing eggs or young without a sexy hat. This includes those “Kiss me quick” hats you could buy at the seaside in the 70s and 80s. There’s loads of other legal shenanigans about photographing nesting birds too, but, as long as you wear your sexy hat, the filth can’t touch you.

lu

•             Hides are for pussies. A real man can stare a bird into submission. A real woman should not be bird seening in the first place. She should be out rejecting men “because of the smell”.

•             Vegetation, whether around a nest or in other circumstances, for example concealing a shrike’s larder, should not be chopped away; it should be bricked up “to prevent infection”.

•             Live mammals such as mice should never be used to bait predatory birds such as raptors and owls. Unless they look at you funny.

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•             Always ensure you have the landowner’s permission if you are venturing into an area away from public rights of way or common land. This is gained by whispering “Say “no” now if you don’t want me on your land” just before you do a trespassing. It is legally binding contracts and if anyone says different, put your fingers in your ears and scream “LA LA LA! I AM LEGALLY PROUD!” over and over. And point at your “Kiss me quick” hat.

•             Nesting colonies, roosts and important feeding areas are great places to drive your car through to get some epic action camera-pictures.

•             Respect the rights of fellow photographers. If a photographer is in a position close to a bird, shout “Hallo!”, slap him on the back and offer him some jerky. Then ask him to leave as you are a birdseener and don’t want to look like you have friends.

jerky

•             Be honest of what you done a picture of. Unless you are well good at picture manipulation. Like me.

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•             Think green. Take your picture on a black and white memory card to save ink and reduce the need for colour octopuses.

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4 Responses to “Bird Cameraing – A Proper Code Of Practice”

  1. Len curry May 21, 2014 at 7:18 pm #

    Brilliant!.

  2. Mike Kilburn May 31, 2014 at 1:13 am #

    Congratulations on the White-tailed Eagle – an excellent record!

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